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We often use the word “toxic”, talking about passive-aggressive acquaintances or intimate relationships with a partner that poisons our life. But how, at what point a person becomes “toxic”? At what age this “poison” accumulates in the body? Clinical psychologist Julia Lapina helps to find answers to these questions.
A person who will spoil life with eternal discontent, outbreaks of anger or constant control can be found anywhere: in the office, on the stairwell or in his own apartment. But the question is: only adults can be toxic? At what point, at what age these destructive features appear in a person?
“The theme of toxic people came from the concept of a toxic parent,” says Julia Lapina. – Such a parent does not believe that the child needs to be respected, he does not compromise, does not take responsibility for his behavior and does not apologize. Blackmail, scses, scandals and violence (verbal or physical) – this is what can be found in toxic families. Sometimes such parents have a mental disorder or alcohol/drug addiction “.
And now, interacting with the child, such a person is invisible and gradually, like poison, destroys or deforms his psyche. How does this happen?
“The connection of the parent and the child is a water supply system,” explains Julia Lapina. – The psyche of the child is “tuned” to a significant adult and receives everything that comes according to this “water supply” without filtering. And this is the main problem of the toxicity of the parent “.
Yes, a harmful and despertic boss can spoil our life very much. We are unbearable nit -resting mother -in -law, painful colleagues are painful. But we are adults, and in our environment there are a high probability of those who “serve” the antidote, who will support and understand.
In the end, we always, albeit not without certain losses, can break toxic relationships, and the child is not. He cannot divorce the parent or quit the child’s position. The anger of a significant adult is the threat of life and the worst nightmare. In part, therefore, the toxic behavior of the parent does not just deform the psyche, but pathologically forms the I-structure of the child.
A small person tries to adapt to the poisoning influence of an adult if possible, because this is a matter of survival. What kind of adaptation strategy will the psyche choose in many respects on the personal characteristics and genetic lottery, the expert explains. It can be aggression or auto -aggression, closing in itself or outbreaks of hyperactivity, fights with brothers and sisters or inconspicuous self -flagellation.
Many studies confirm that physical punishment at home is a risk factor for the development of antisocial behavior of a growing child in the future.
Cruel bodily punishments increase the risk of mental disorders in the child. Young people who were subjected to bodily punishment in childhood more often show physical, emotional and sexual violence in relation to their girls. And thousands of such studies.
Sometimes parents have their own children’s injuries. For example, it is noted that mothers who were beaten in childhood or who became victims of violence from a partner are more likely to physically punish their children. And such parents “live” in the head of the child even after he grows up and completely stops talking with them. According to the American psychotherapist David Allen, “unhealthy behavioral patterns usually develop for at least three generations”.
When the consequences of toxic “education” begin to manifest in the behavior of the child?
“Is it possible to imagine a toxic baby? – thinks Julia Lapina. – Of course, not, although some mothers in moments can see evil intent and the desire to “manipulate” in an endless scream of the infantry baby. The child not only does not have such an intention, he does not have the opportunity to change behavior “.
Can a preschooler of 3-5 years be toxic, when, for example, he tries to tell a lie? The child is not learning what he is told, but what he sees. Whether the parents of the child are deceiving? Of course, starting from the threats, “Uncle Police Police will take”, ending with requests to eat the “last spoon”. Many children begin to lie, copying the behavior of an adult – and do it with the goal of protecting themselves.
Sometimes it happens that the child, not knowing where to put the pain that collapses at him at home, begins to behave aggressively in kindergarten, then at school. And some of them become bulls.
“These children grow without prohibitions, do not know what the authority of parents is,” explains the existential psychologist Svetlana Krivtsova. – And at the same time, they really lack the attention and respect of adults. Longing for these feelings causes them a strong aggression, which is suppressed for some time: the child cannot throw her into his parents, he is looking for a suitable target “.
If authoritative adults – teachers, educators – do not allow the child to show aggression with impunity, he learns to control his behavior faster. “Most bulls are children with pronounced narcissistic character traits,” continues Svetlana Krivtsova. – They grow without an internal sense of dignity, self -worth, and therefore they have to assert themselves at the expense of other people all the time, to prove their superiority.
Unfortunately, Buller’s parents are often as narcissistic as their child. They can cruelly punish him, but he will break evil on the next victim. Approximately 50% of the bulls themselves are at the same time victims in the family or in another team “.
“Inside the family, a wounded child can touch his younger brother or sister, bringing down anger, anger, resentment on him,” confirms Julia Lapina. – But still it would be wrong to consider any problematic behavior of a child in society exclusively as a problem of a difficult family. Sometimes a toxic environment affects us – a courtyard, a dysfunctional school, friends. And then aggressive, cruel, humiliating behavior is a way to adapt to the new “family”. Who is easier to influence the environment? The one who is looking in the team of something that he did not have enough at home and is ready to go to everything to get it. Half of others can also be the cost of entering the group. But it would not always be correct to blame parents for this. “.
Reoriented to the collective significant for him, a teenager can imitate the rules of conduct accepted there – from
humiliation of weak to open fights and drug use. In this situation, parents cannot influence directly, but in their power to transfer the teenager to another school, take him to another city, find a non -toxic environment for him.
“A separate complex and discussion issue is the question of children’s pathologies of the psyche, where genetics plays, perhaps, a significant role,” says Julia Lapina. – For example, when sadistic features are caused by the desire for discharge, and the child harms other children. To solve this problem requires professional support. A special story is children with a serious violation of attachment that grew up in an orphanage or in very dysfunctional families. In this case, you can’t do without work with a specialist, and now, fortunately, this is said in the courses of foster parents.
But no matter what problems in the behavior of the child arise, no matter what they are caused – genetics, upbringing, injuries or everyone together – the definition of the “toxic” will not help adults to an extending hand of help and cope with the situation together. After all, the point is not the definitions, but in the awareness of the problem and the search for the path to healing. “.
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